Review - Disney's Frozen (2013)

I've been on a quest to watch all of Disney's animated features. This time, we take a bit of a diversion, and skipped ahead in line, instead of moving on chronologically. 

Last night, I watched Frozen with my brother and his friend. Both had seen and loved the movie, and I had avoided watching it, simply because of my natural inclination to be a non conformist and the hype was a little off putting, and because I’m not a huge Idina Menzel fan. (Yes, go ahead and gasp and then condemn me, God knows I’m used to it. Just know I’m rolling my eyes at you.)

Okay. First things first,

Olaf the Snowman, voiced by the fabulous Joshua Gib of Book of Mormon fame, was adorable. His song about being in the sun was so incredibly cute, I giggled the whole time. He was doofy but fun and never annoying. Sven the Reindeer was a charming addition and even though we could have had the film without him, I wouldn’t want to see it without him. Kristen Bell predictably stole the show as Anna, today’s “Every Girl,” complete with a charming awkwardness that makes you want to constantly text her to meet you at Jamba Juice. Sadly, Elsa was so frigid as a character, I found it hard to be on her side. Kristoff is lovely, Hans is dashing and douchey and vocally, a fantastic match for Kristen Bell. The rest of the cast is pretty great. I had questions, though, about the Trolls… why were they even there? And the dude from Weasel Town kept confusing me since he was a guest in a kingdom and kept making decisions and ordering people around to kill the Queen. Um. Hi. You’re not in charge. Also, threatening to kill the monarch is attempted regicide and that means prompt beheading. Guards, get on that.

The other thing I had a big problem with was Elsa’s snow storm. Not so much with the storm itself, but people’s reactions to it. She gets embarrassed and leaves (see thoughts on this below), leaving people screaming for summer. Anna decides immediately to go find her sister. Meanwhile, we see people in Arandelle freezing and being tortured. The blurb for the movie even states, “Fearless optimist Anna teams up with Kristoff in an epic journey, encountering Everest-like conditions, and a hilarious snowman named Olaf in a race to find Anna's sister Elsa, whose icy powers have trapped the kingdom in eternal winter.” Eternal Winter? Really? It literally takes Anna and Kristoff like, A WEEK AT MOST to find Elsa’s unbreakable ice palace of badassery… As someone who lives in Seattle, where a little inclement weather in the middle of summer is perfectly normal, if not expected, I was like, “get an umbrella and light a bonfire, whiners.” Don’t they live in a Fjord? They should be used to braving super nasty snow storms. Get a grip, dudes.

One last note; I’m an actor, a director and a writer. I see tons of scripts all the time, and in my humble opinion the writers could have done a better job at the one liner set ups. I found myself mouthing the answers and completing sentences as the characters became more archetypal. Sometimes, it felt like they were just phoning it in. That goes for the lyricists, too. They rhymed "door" and "anymore" in four FOUR songs ("Do You Want to Build a Snowman", "For the First Time in Forever", "Love is an Open Door", and "Let it Go"). Seriously, guys. You can do better than that.

Okay, now that those opinions are out of the way...

I was told that I would love Frozen because of the music, the cute snowman and the theme of girl power. (I’m a staunch feminist.) However, while I watched it, and yes, that girl power theme was strong, looking at it as a feminist vehicle made it garbled and confusing. From that point of view, I came away with garbled and confusing thoughts:

I was unimpressed by the antidote to Elsa’s (genetic?) malformity. It was obviously borrowed gratuitously from Once Upon A Time, another Disney vehicle, where True Love breaks the any curse, no matter how strong. Happily, this True Love does not rely on the presence of a man or a prince, which is refreshing. Sadly, this idea has been explored in a slew of recent films and tv shows, where they promise True Love as the key to a happy ending and then use the romantic interest’s presence as a red herring, Penelope and Once Upon A Time among them. I found it relatively predictable.

Sorry, what? If fear is the enemy, why do you seclude/terrorize the princess with insecurities? How/why does "love" recall winter? Didn't Elsa love her family all along? Elsa trying to protect Anna from herself wasn't love?  

Many times in the movie it sprang to mind that what we are shown gives me no hope that Elsa and Anna would be effective rulers. There is a 3 year cut away where we see nothing of the girls between the ages of (I’m guessing?) 16 and 19. When responsibility is thrust upon her, Anna delegates power to, arguably, better leaders outside of the bloodline (didn't they have a regent or a chaperone or a nanny or someone to assist them growing up?).Technically, that’s called a coup d’etat. Elsa evades her responsibilities as queen, freezes the kingdom over, and forces her people to the brink of starvation… As a bystander, Hans' idea to charge Elsa with treason at least is more justified than anything Anna has to bargain with.

I’m all for the hero’s journey. I love it. Can’t get enough. Joseph Campbell is my personal hero. But I do NOT want to love a cowardly character. Elsa is a victim and runs away from her problems (a trait she learned from her parents, when they couldn’t deal with their child’s special abilities and decided to lock her up instead of finding a way to embrace her and accept her. Instead of looking at her strengths (The life saving ‘love’ for her sister being one of them) they condemn her for what they perceive as a danger and a weakness.

And then the last straw for me was when Elsa runs away and embraced her "bad girl" image, complete with sultry walk/slit up the thigh, though to Disney’s credit, Elsa donned the burgundy Bare Escentuals eye shadow for her coronation and it never moved. Kudos to our favorite mineral makeup line. (Pretty sure this was the only explainable magic in the film.)

I’m convinced that Frozen isn’t a Disney fairy tale about the empowerment of women. It is a Disney fairy tale about the acceptance of people and families of people with special needs. When parents dream of having children, rarely do they hope their child will have Down Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy, Spina Bifida and other developmental and neurological disabilities. They hope for a healthy, happy child. No one tells them how difficult it will be when their child is born with a rarely understood disease or disorder. No one tells them that while they love their little girl with all their hearts, she will grow up ostracised and ridiculed, thought to be a freak, stupid or slow simply because she is different. No one tells them that they might not be able to distinguish between the unconscious wish for an idealized normal child from an unthinkable, sudden reality of one who is not.  What do parents do when they have no family history, therapeutic and educational supports through early intervention, education and a supportive medical community. There is no Arandelle Medical Journal. They have no one to turn to, no resources to assist them in giving their child the best chance she’s got. Instead, they lock her away, making sure she can’t hurt herself or anyone else, hiding ‘the freak’ away from public view.  

Her acceptance comes from a sister who, being too young (also having her memory stripped away by trolls) to know anything else, accepts her and loves her for who she is. However, the damage has already been done. Elsa learns from her parents to run away, to hide her ‘malformities.’ “Don’t let them see,” she sings over and over, “Conceal, don’t feel,” while her sister begs her for the companionship she lost and doesn’t understand.

Here, the antidote to her estrangement, love as the answer, totally makes sense. Love and acceptance is the ONLY option available to us when living among people with differences, be they perceived as weaknesses or strengths. Absolute, “True” Love is the only way to break the icy indifference and misunderstandings of a harsh, outside world. I get it.

Only then, after it stopped being a feminist vehicle and became a vehicle for acceptance of disabilities, did I love Frozen.

9/10

Review - Disney's Bambi (1942)

The next installment of the Disney Animated Feature Fest, this review is for Bambi (1942).

Bambi is a relatively basic coming of age story deeply entrenched in “SQUEEEEEE!”

Seriously, it’s hard to find the story behind the adorable animals. During the majority of the movie, I was so distracted by the fuzzy baby animals, it was hard to care about the characters in any way other than that they were so cute. I literally didn’t want Bambi to have bad things happen simply because he was helpless. It’s not fantastic story telling, but it does the job adequately. Unlike other Disney movies, this one is purely for the kids. There is typically something for the adults in a Disney movie, but this one directs itself right to the little ones.

And that’s okay. There are other qualities to the movie I did really like. The color scheme shifts wildly, not because of the season or the weather, but in order to illustrate Bambi's psychological state. It’s traditional theater lighting in animation, setting the tone and following the feeling of the players. The music is also enjoyable. The choral work is extremely effective, particularly on songs like 'Love Is A Song' (Oscar nominated), 'I Bring You A Song' and 'Little April Showers.’ Jamie wouldn’t stop talking about Little April Showers.

For the most part, Bambi takes place during the infancy of the title character, Bambi, the Little Prince of the Forest. We watch as he gets his legs, learns to talk and make friends. This all happens slowly, and turns basically into small vignettes in the young deer’s life. This includes 3 run-ins with ‘Man.’ The first is where Bambi is introduced to the Meadow and also his father. In this scene, he meets future wife Faline and also sees manly prancing deer on parade. After this, Man comes in and ruins everything The second run in happens after a long, hard, oddly realistic winter, when Bambi’s mom watches him scarf down on some spring grass. Man comes in and shoots her. Oddly, I didn’t cry when Bambi’s mother is killed by a hunter like I thought I would. It wasn’t as sadly set as other death scenes, I suppose. Or maybe it’s just a known fact that Bambi’s mother didn’t hear the one with her name on it and I remembered what happened.

Anytime Man is in the forest, we hear a very foreboding underscore. It’s only 3 notes played over and over, but it effectively does its job. It succeeds in the third Man sequence especially, as this is the one that is the creepiest. Instead of showing the quiet fear of the deer, it focused on the psychological fear and anxiety of all the animals. Man comes back in droves and goes on a killing spree, bullets ring out everywhere and whomever has the gun really needs lessons. They’re just shooting willy nilly, but it’s enough to induce a panic One haunting moment is where there are three quails hiding in the brush, one starts to panic, and succumbs to instinct to fly, rather than stay in the brush. Hers is the only dead body we see.

Bambi moves relatively slowly for a 64 minute film. Whereas Dumbo moved like a rocket, Bambi slows down. Probably because there is no real plot to speak of. Though, the part that moved really quickly was the puberty-in-the-forest. All of a sudden, Bambi, Thumper and Flower are grown up and ready for the ladies. In turn, Flower finds another Flower, Bambi once again finds Faline and Thumper ends up with Santa Claus.

Overall, Bambi was fun, but relatively unsubstantial.  There are a few realistic lessons we do take away from the movie:

1) Animals do not live in nuclear families. Bambi lives with his mother only, his presumptive father is off in the background.

2) Animals often go hungry in the winter.

3) Male animals must be prepared to fight rivals as a prelude to mating.

4) Man (here assisted by vicious canine lackeys) is easily the most dangerous predator to animals.

5/10

Review - Disney's Dumbo (1941)

My brother Jamie and I are embarking on a quest to watch the entire sequence of Disney animated features in order. I decided to catalog my thoughts during the process. This review is for Dumbo (1941).

This is one ugly duckling story that is worth watching over and over. As a child, I did. I remember sitting in the living room of my grandparents house, watching this and Winnie the Pooh over and over. It’s only about 60 minutes long, but as a child, I remember it being much much longer. However, that’s probably because Disney packs in the entire story and moves at a pace that could assist a NASCAR racer.

Because Dumbo doesn’t say a word, his entire persona is portrayed through astonishingly emotional silence. Through his sweet, adorable demeanor, he smiles and flirts and cries and He’s his own silent movie in world of talkies. I think this is one of the most important aspects of the movie. If Disney had given Dumbo a voice, the movie would have been cute, but completely different, and I think it’s the better for what it is.

After his mother is violently locked up for protecting her baby, Dumbo is all alone in the world…. until Timothy Q. Mouse shows up, Dumbo’s personal, less sophisticated, but likeable version of Jiminy Crickett. He’s more than Jiminy though, and Disney wins it here, because not only does he give Dumbo a voice, he gives Dumbo an ally. There is a scene where Timothy scares the gossipy, bitch elephants because they were shutting Dumbo out. He rolls up his sleeves, marches into the Pachyderm Circle of Bitch and scares the crap out of them.

Though, if I’m honest, I do wish some of the elephants had been male, so women were not portrayed as either sweet mothers or rude, gossipy, vainglorious and self important bitches. But I was actually less offended by that than I normally would be.

Probably because there are plenty of other male characters who are just as bad. The Ringmaster is an out and out douche and the clowns are drunk jerks trying to make a mint off of Dumbo’s ears. When all of these characters get their comeuppance, I was so satisfied and smug. Cheering and calling to the TV, I realized that the writing was so good, and through the portrayal of Dumbo as an innocent victim (he’s JUST A BABY, YOU HEARTLESS JERKS!)  being ridiculed by those who should accept him, that Disney had reeled me in incredibly effectively. I didn’t even see it coming.

All the characters, are painted with broad, memorable strokes. Even the Jim Crow crows and all their uncomfortable associations. It was a little difficult for me to watch without cringing slightly. But it should be pointed out that the crows are not only the film's cleverest characters (both in terms of thought and language), they are also the only ones except Timothy to show any sympathy whatsoever to the little elephant; after all, they are outsiders themselves. The sequence is a play on a stereotype, that can't be denied, but it almost seems that it is an attempt to revise that stereotype into something positive and sympathetic, since the crows have character development (as opposed to the racial stereotypes in Fantasia where it was simply stylized entertainment). The real situation I was truly surprised about was the faceless black men who raised the circus tent singing gospel-like working songs. I suppose, though, it really represented the working black men of the time, free but unable to get ‘dignified’ work, trying to shrug off the ‘sins’ of their parents and grandparents, descendents of the slaves, the ones no one wants to talk about.

The design is beautiful and deceptive in its simplicity. While it may lack the incredibly detailed quality of Snow White and Pinocchio or the overstuffed, pretentious one of `Fantasia,' the style of Dumbo is elegant, vivid, and occasionally grotesque in ways that recall not only classic circus posters but also Paul Cadmus paintings and vintage `New Yorker' cover art. For all its dark story elements, the film presents a rosy-hued portrait of old America that must have seemed very comforting as audiences prepared for the unforeseeable terrors of another World War. (A `Dumbombers for Defense' poster in the film's epilogue and German born and Nazi sympathizer Herman Bing voicing the cruel and violent Ringmaster are some of the more poignant references to an increasingly unsteady world situation.)

The songs and score are flawless. Sung by an all male group, with close, fantastic, almost barbershop quartet-ish harmonies, and the show-stopping, ultra awesome nightmare pink elephants keep things from getting too artistically conservative--and, just like the rest of the film, it still thrills no matter how many times I’ve seen it. Baby of Mine, however, continues to be one of the most beautiful sequences in animation history. Heartbreakingly, Dumbo and his mother have contact only by touching trunks, through the bars in the window of her cell. The song plays as she cradles him in her trunk, and when Dumbo leaves she can't see him, and she stretches her trunk as far as she can out the window to try and reach him, and OMG SOBBING.

Dumbo presents a story that everyone can identify with- the importance of having someone to look after you, fitting in, being the outsider, and accomplishing something over odds with the world. I loved every minute it.

10/10.  

Review - Disney's Fantasia (1940)

Recently, my brother and I decided to sit and watch the entire Disney Animated Feature Canon as adults. I decided to write down my thoughts through the process. 3rd in the list is Fantasia (1940).

Let me just start off, this was a chore. I went into it thinking, “I like classical music, I like Disney. A match made in heaven!” Oh. My. Sweet. Baby. Jesus. I was wrong. I was sorry.

I am so so sorry.

First of all, let me just get this out of the way. Our narrator, the pedantic Master of Ceremonies, Deems Taylor, condescendingly talks at us, posing in increasingly awkward poses about what we plebeians couldn’t possibly know about music. I understand Fantasia was made for the lowest common denominator, but I still found myself rolling my eyes and flipping off the screen a few times whenever he was talking.

The all white, mostly male orchestra is backlit by a giant scrim, giving the entire thing a bas relief presentation half lit in high concentrated gels of red and green. We are also forced to watch the orchestra come on, move around, talk to each other and even go have a smoke break. Once, a harpist was caught moving as the camera focused on the narrator. She freezes awkwardly and stays in that position for some time. I found myself wishing they were all drinking Scotch, smoking and being normal musicians, just so I’d have something to be amused by.

First up, the Toccata in Fugue by Bach - Boring. Visually, it was a technicolor splash zone with no story. I also wished I was listening to it in the original medium, an organ, where I can be amazed at a musicians agility. Like when I listen to it normally.

Next, Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite - Boring and a little offensive. This abridged version (Missing are the overture and the march)  of everyone’s favorite Christmas activity, involves anthropomorphising inanimate things, plus the odd tiny animal. So does Disney's "Nutcracker". But Disney has thrown out the particular details. The Chinese Dance is danced by mushrooms who look all startlingly racisty, but are not, actually Chinese, so it’s “socially acceptable,” except they wear coolie-hats on their round round heads, long robes and pigtails; the Arabian Dance by "Arabian" goldfish being viewed in a disturbing act of fishy voyeurism, when the fish are “caught” being beautiful and sexy and moderately dressed by their see through negligee like fins, they become coquettish chorines, gazing at us come-hitherly through pink heavy lidded eyes and fluttering lashes; the Russian dance by "Russian" thistles and orchids. Sometimes it goes further: "Waltz of the Flowers" shows two entire changes of seasons, with leaves, fairies, seed pods, seeds, snowflakes - everything but flowers.

The following segment, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, was generally engaging. A concert piece by French composer Paul Dukas, it was originally an ages-old fairy tale that had been interpreted as a poem by Goethe - a story that illustrated the dangers of power over wisdom. I enjoyed the actual story, WITH A PLOT, over all, and enjoyed how it took no dialogue to emote an engaging story, adn the music was used to help tell the story. The only drawback to this segment was how the brooms were interpreted. They were undoubtedly caricatures of african american slaves in pre-emancipated South. That aside. Very enjoyable.

Let’s just skip the awkward conversation between Mickey and the conductor. Because… WHY?!

Stravinsky’s Rite of Spring - Boring and laughingly  historically inaccurate. It tells a fiction story of teh beginning of the world, though Kudos to Disney for not presenting some Creationist schlock. I did glean some excitement when a triceratops came in to view. Triceratops have always been my favorite. But then it was crushed again when inevitably a stegosaurus was given the teeth by an allosaurus while everyone else (meaning the other dinosaurs) just sat and watched. Rude.

By this time, the orchestra was as bored as I was, and started playing some really jazzy riffs, but this is cut off quickly for an intimate introduction to the “real star of the story” (???) the Soundtrack. I was then subjected to whatever this was going on just then. It was a whole 7 minutes of “WUT.” And then we topped it off with an intermission. Good. Disney seemed to give up, just like me.

We were brought back from a boring intermission, where I refilled my wine with relish, renewed and hopeful for meaning in the next segment.

NOPE.

Beethoven’s Sixth Symphony and Pastorale - Boring. Centaurs! Gods! Pegasus! Fauns! Boobs! Sexism!  Zeus and Vulcan being jerks!  Girl “centaurettes” - because the word “centaurs” is male only? WHAT? Start off all naked then get slightly less naked when garlanded with impractical flower necklace bra things and then are made presentable for their men by being adorned and made up with hats from flowers and bark and live birds (just think about the repercussions of that fashion choice) by baby cupids with the fashion sense of Cher’s stylist in the 80’s. They flirt and are courted by husky centaurs with strapping bare chests and expectations from their women. A cupid's bottom turns into a heart shape before a fade to black. UGH. The only good thing about this segment was Bacchus and his awesome wine barrel throne.

Now, my saving grace. Dance of the Hours by Ponchielli. HILARIOUS. All you need to know is: DANCING HIPPOS BEING COURTED BY DANCING CROCODILES. Mic drop.

And then Night on Bald Mountain by Mussorgsky. YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS. So great. A dramatic celebration of evil during the night of the Witches' Sabbath. As night falls at the foot of Bald Mountain, the lord of evil and death, the Black God Chernobog appears on the top of the jagged peak. He calls up the souls of the dead and makes the demons dance. This segment, true to Mussorgsky fashion, winds itself up to a nice, rampant fervor and tumbles down one again with the bells, chiming in the dawn. This segment has to be the best in the entire movie, the music and the story complimenting eachother beautifully. And Chernabog is BAD. ASS.

This oh so rad and dark portion of the film is followed immediately by the most painful interpretation of one of my favorite songs of all time, Schubert’s Ave Maria, I have ever been forced to experience. The singing was terrible, the animation was BOOOOOORING and I wished to end it all. Over and over.

And then, oddly, the show doesn’t end by talking or watching the orchestra leave for the bar. The screen immediately goes black. BLAM.  It was swift, painless and blunt like I wished my execution would be. It seemed that Disney realized I wasn’t really watching any more and just turned off the cameras.

I realized I made it all the way through. Awake… albeit damaged.

I could have skipped everything except Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Night on Bald Mountain and Dance of the Hours with the hilarious and operatic hippo/crocodile dramatics, including leggy ostriches and elephants with long eyelashes en pointe. That portion was brilliance. That way, I could have spent an enjoyable half hour instead of giving up a year of my life to sit through the rest of it.

Over all, I got the impression that the movie should have come with a warning label. I should have been required to be under the influence of mind expanding drugs before pressing play, like it was some Laser Floyd show.

4/10

Review - Disney's Pinocchio (1940)

My brother and I have recently started a Disney animated movie marathon. Last night we watched two movies, Snow White (1937) and Pinocchio (1940). This review is for Pinocchio.

Pinocchio isn’t so much the well rounded journey I remembered, but a linear cautionary tale. “GO TO SCHOOOOOOOOL!!!” it screams at me in a loud screeching voice, blinking neon colors and flashing lights, just so I wouldn’t miss it. It pounds itself into me, incessantly hitting me in the head.

I don’t really like Pinocchio as a character, even though I should, but that’s my issue, not the movie’s. I do like that his innocence is used to move the story instead of ignorance as the cause for his downfall. He simply doesn’t know better, and Jiminy Cricket is a little too small to exude any influence on him. He is always trying to keep up, condemned by hopping after him and forgetting to check that Pinocchio is within sight. And even in once scene, where Pinocchio lies to the Blue Fairy, Jiminy Cricket, instead of insisting Pinocchio tell the truth, says, “leave me outta this.”

Now. Jiminy Cricket. Hellllooooooo Jesus metaphor. Jiminy Cricket was used in the mid 19th century as a minced exclamation to take the place of “Jesus Christ” as an oath. Pinocchio is continually told to let his conscience be his guide, and is severely punished by situation when he doesn’t listen. However, it is clear that Jiminy and the Blue Fairy are always watching and waiting to get Pinocchio out of trouble.

I was, however, totally and utterly charmed by Gepetto, who, in a reverse of the typical Disney trope later used of the orphaned child trying to find a parent, is the kindly, lonely parent desperate for a child. I don’t think that it is fair that when Gepetto has faith in the wishing star and is granted his wish by the Blue Fairy for Pinocchio to become a real boy, he’s rewarded for his goodness with one hell of a heartache. Poor Gepetto.

The other characters are colorful, from Figaro the kitty and and the hussy in the fishbowl, Cleo, who kisses everyone and has a thing for interspecies relationships, to the villains, Honest John, Gideon, Stromboli and the Coachman. I even felt myself drawn to Lampwick, the binge drinking, chain smoking truant who befriends Pinocchio on Pleasure Island. I didn’t like Monstro, but then, I’m not supposed to.

The movie is overall darker than other Disney movies. I enjoyed the balance of light and dark overall in the film. The part on Pleasure Island where Lampwick completes his transformation into a donkey, using the shadow on the wall is truly the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen. It is Hitchcock-esque implied horror and it delivers the terror far more effectively than simply showing the transformation. I involuntarily cringed.

Altogether charming are the underwater sequences before the meeting of Monstro the Whale. The climactic chase after the escape from the belly of the whale is handled brilliantly. It is the sharp contrast between the lighter moments and the darker ones that gives the film a correct blend of fantasy and horror.

It was also visually appealing. The detail of Gepetto’s shop, his clocks, the toys and candle holders, the maelstrom of Pleasure Island, the dancing of the marionettes in Stromboli’s show. All exquisitely detailed. The scene of Gepetto searching for Pinocchio with a lantern on a rainy night after he has been captured by Stromboli is unforgettable imagery and very moving.

And the music. The music perfectly accents the dramatic chase for the whale sequence and the songs throughout are in keeping with the mood and characters of the story. It serves as a steadfast narrator, more reliable than Jiminy Cricket. From the catchy and fun “There Are No Strings on Me” to the iconic Disney theme “When You Wish Upon A Star” the movie is full of fantastic gems.

As one vehicle, I was pleased by Pinocchio. Even though the actual story was not the well rounded adventure I hoped for, the piece as a whole was a great mesh of traditional Disney magic.

8/10

Review - Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

As a child, I was enchanted by Disney movies. I dressed up as the princesses, sang in my backyard, pretending to be Ariel, I danced with my friends like Belle (I also ascribe my love of reading to her. Thanks Disney!), I searched for Heffalumps and Woozles and I ran around the house shouting, “pink blue pink blue pink blue!” because I loved Flora, Fauna and Merriweather in Sleeping Beauty. In a fun social experiment, for me, atleast, my brother and best friend, Jamie and I recently started a Disney animated movie marathon, to watch all the movies as adults. I thought I’d write down my thoughts during the process.

First up? Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937).

Although much of the praise this film receives, may be due to the fact that it was it's creator's first attempt at an animated feature, I think it's obvious merits and artistic triumphs are enough to maintain it's place as a great piece of work.

First, there is the artwork, which is stunning. The color isn't at it's most vibrant, a little bland in the background and almost no use of jeweltones at all, however the styling as a virtual watercolor painting really struck me. The details in the animation never fail to amaze. Just look at the raindrops in the chase sequence towards the end, or the faces carved into the wooden stairs in the dwarves’ house. There is always something to look at.

The characters are of various degrees of interest, with Snow White, probably the least of these. Sometimes I wonder if Disney put any thought into her character, if you call it that. I’m usually really opposed to stories where the heroine’s one fault is that she is simply “too sweet” or “too good.” It makes for bad story telling and bland characters. At some parts of the movie, I almost wished the queen would come and get her just to get her out of the picture.

The dwarfs are all charming, they’re the ones who carry the film during their screentime with the princess. From Doc’s odd and hilarious speech impediment to Grumpy’s bad attitude (Grumpy is totally my favorite). Though, the treatment of the simple one disturbed me a little, I’ll admit. The only drawback is that they, in their goofy adorability, as fun it is to watch, it takes the place of any exposition that could be utilized there. Without the long sequences of marching home from work, finding the monster that cleaned the house, washing for dinner and being kissed by Snow White on the way back to work, the story itself would be 15 minutes long. It seems to me that if Disney had showed us the set up instead of making us read it in the beginning, it would have been a mite longer and a little more interesting.

However, one should not deny, that the true star of this film, is the evil queen. Both in her presence of glamour, (HELLO, look at the cape and sleeve combo she totally rocks and I don’t even have to mention her totally Goldtastic peacock throne) and in her totally bad ass transformation as an old crone, she is fascinating and mesmerizing to watch. I don't believe another Disney villain has ever been both frightening and enchanting, like she has.

There was one minor inconsistency that did bother me. In the beginning when the audience of parents and their illiterate 5 year olds is forced to read the plot, it says that the Evil Queen Badass made Snow White her scullery maid. We are then introduced to Snow White in rags and clogs, washing the courtyard stairs. Okay, no problem there… however, when the Hunstman takes Snow White out into the forest to bump her off, she’s in this pretty dress. What is a scullery maid doing with a dress like that? Sure, it could have been part of her wardrobe from the pre-beauty-despot take over, but even then, why was Snow White wearing it if she was going to go hang out in the dirt, picking flowers and getting herself all gross? Was part of the Queen’s decree to get her all schmancy before she’s snuffed it? Truly evil. Totally awesome.

Lastly, the music in this film is truly memorable. The "Heigh Ho" sequence is visually impressive, and the dwarfs song as they bathe is a really cute. Not to mention Snow White's anthem "Someday My Prince Will Come"; another gem in the Disney library. However, the best song in the whole movie in my opinion is the dwarfs’ Yodel Song (The Silly Song). The upbeat cuteness of it simply makes me smile inspite of myself.

Overall, I had a good time and laughed a great deal. I also had a fun time riffing it. Just a little. All in good fun.

7/10

USA-A-OK!!!!

And here we are, just a week into the 233rd birthday of our rather juvenile -- pre-pubescent if you take actions into account -- nation.

It is in the honor of our home and native land spacious skies, amber waves of grain and purple mountain majesties above the fruited plain, that I introduce to you, the USA-A-OK movie marathon!

Generally, I gather all the patriotic movies I own and watch them in long, heart-pounding, alabaster-city gleaming, rockets-red glaring, hubris rousing succession. I don't care how stupid, plotless or how lowly rated they are on Rotten Tomatoes. I watch them and I feel like an American.

1. National Treasure 1 - Where ancient stuff gets blown up, lemonaded, blow dried, permed and Ottendorf ciphered while Nicholas Cage blows through Quenstionably Believable Revolutionary American History quicker than Dan Brown on Ecstasy and Red Bull.

2. National Treasure 2 - Same plot as NT1, except take the marginal believability from the 1st movie out of it and throw in a few french jokes, a brit joke and a Brit pretending to be American, which really is a joke, and a semi-hot president for good measure. Mix it all together with a little North By Northwest action, a giant gold erector set city inside George Washington's brain cavity and a happy family Easter Egg Toss, and you've struck enough All American-ness to make Apple Pie want to take part in the Death With Dignity Act.

3. The Patriot - Mel Gibson runs around killing hot British war heroes (AKA Luscious Lucius Malfoy) in retribution for his hot sons being killed. A lot. What's more American than grabbing a tomahawk and going apeshit on British soldiers during the American Revolution? Honestly, I only watch it for the rocking chair scene.

4. American President - A pre-Catherine Zeta Jones made over Michael Douglas leads the country and decides the White House with its 50 West Wing workers, 235 lawyers, 15 generals, 7 admirals and countless justices, 2 doctors, 330 servicemen (including cooks and maids), 275 secret service agents, one very unfortunate food tester and 10,000 Kodak-clad tourists asking why it's called the Red Room, is just too lonely a place. So he goes a courtin and asks out Annette Bening with Virgina Pork Products. Romance ensues. A nice little film, but really just a red headed step sibling to Aaron Sorkin's favorite child, the West Wing (see below). Only with Michael J Fox.

5. Air Force One - Harrison Ford yet again reprising his two favorite roles as both a snide, sarcastic fugitive and a snide, sarcastic president kicks a tons of poorly acted Russian asses, headed up by the interminably boring ex-soviet KGB, potato and cabbage loving Gary Oldman, out the back of a highly customized, and also relatively easy to take over by a bunch of wodka swilling russkies, Boeing 747 (think tequila bar and a pool... right next to the anti-gravity war room, Russian Tea Room inspired five floor walk up and the bowling alley in the press core). This one is all around good times. Guns, explosions, cute little take-advantage-of-me daughters, patriotic speeches and Harrison Ford yet again snidely and sarcastically kicking ass all occur at regular intervals.

6. Born Yesterday - Only in America can total whoreface stupid bimbo Melanie Griffith become an adorable, nee awkward from the syphilis, Cinderella politico. Go team. Watch for the scene where she teaches constitutional amendments to the tune of 12 Days of Christmas. This gripping tete-a-tete comes from it:

Ugly Woman At Table: So [this song] is like a pneumonic device?
Melanie Griffith: Well, I didn't buy it at a store, if that's what you mean.

Ha! HAHAHAHAHA! Gentle comedy ensues. This film, (actually redone from a movie written by Spencer/Tracy famous Garson Kanin AGES ago) quietly reminds us that while stupid people have feelings too, and while they can learn politics just like us elitists, they are no less annoying to be around, especially when they're played by Melanie Griffith.

7. Independence Day - Will Smith punches aliens in face. Will Smith bitches very loudly in a desert. Will Smith smokes cigars and makes fun of aliens to. their. faces. It's all gold. 9-11esque demolition of Manhattan and Washington DC aside (yeah, LA can suck it), great flick. Guns, kicking alien ass, a nice little wedding scene and return to faith feature prominently, not to mention the best speech ever written in movie history. EVER. Total bad-ass president Bill Pullman. A-yeah-yeah. Oh yes, keep on the lookout for this little gem:

(Alien starts brain-rape-communication-mind-meld)

General Grey: Is that glass bulletproof?
Uber-hot Major Mitchell: No Sir!
(Adorosexy Major Mitchell then pulls out his standard army issue 9MM and commences of the hotness with guns and power and stony sex face and just general overall hotness)

Seriously. Have to watch that bit over and over.

8. The West Wing - All of it. Enough said.






And usually, if I still have view time after that list, I pull out old favorites like Yankee Doodle Dandy. You will notice that there are no war movies on my list. The reason is simple: war movies have serious meaning. They're about men and women who fought and died for our freedoms, truths and even our short comings. They defend our deadly different opinions and make sure we get up each morning to live our lives as United States Citizens.

And however crass I can be (did you read the comments above that bordered along racist?), I will never make fun of them on the internets.


Did I miss any? Would you like to see me review/sardonically sum up/completely ruin your favorite Independence Day movie? Let me know.

Finding Time For Relaxation.... and Realizing I Didn’t Do The Dishes.

I had the day off today. Which is nice. I've been up to my ears in my latest show and home-front drama.

I was very much looking forward to sleeping in. In fact, I had an entire day planned for relaxation and a little Me Time. Me Time is invaluable for self preservation and awareness. Taking a little time to eat well, do some yoga, focus on breathing, allowing yourself to wash away all the emotional plaque that can attach itself during a particularly busy and stressful time in your life.

But of course, it is that one universal rule that transcends all others: whenever you expect to sleep in, you can't. You just sit there, awake (without coffee) at 5:45 AM, with your cat on your chest, allergens clogging up your air and the guilt of not going to work choke-holding your morning toast and grapefruit in the middle of your esophagus.

It just occurred to me that I might be a mess.

Can you be a mess without knowing it? Well, of course by that I mean, can you think you're really happy, living the life you want and pursuing the career you know makes you happiest, erstwhile jogging around, a walking, talking mess?

Hm. I suppose it's something to think about.

I fought my way out of bed (seriously, whose idea was it to pile 17 pillows, two blankets, my cat and myself into a full size mattress?) and made another self evaluation: I am not graceful.

As I picked myself up off the floor, I checked for rugburns... nope. Well I think we can count that as a freebie.

I decided (even post graceless evaluation) to do some yoga, and as I was in the middle of my Extended Side Angle Pose, I noticed a large collection of wasps gathering at the window. Now, Extended Side Angle requires strength, flexibility and endurance. I have NONE of those when I see bees, wasps, hornets... generally anything that is insectual and flies, and has the potential to sting me.

That was the end of my yoga. I had only gone 5 poses in!

I decided maybe to take a different approach on my path toward relaxation on my day off.

I turned on some music and did some yoga breath retention. However, during my breathing, I realized I hadn't cleaned the kitchen in two days. So I abandoned that quest and hauled it off to the kitchen.

Not only did I thoroughly clean the kitchen, I made my way through my entire house. Livingroom, bathroom, bedroom, tv room. I cleaned the cat box, washed all the laminate floors, vacuumed all the carpeted ones. Sucked the spiderwebs from the walls, sprayed and disinfected the shower. I washed the windows, threw out the garbage and sprayed "No Scratch Spray" on my rather expensive rug. I kept cleaning until I realized I was trying to eradicate my emotional baggage by eradicating the grime in my house.

But it was too late. I was already worked up. I needed some quick actin relaxin.

So where was I to turn? Sleeping in had been disqualified. Yoga was off the agenda and relaxation breathing was right out.

So I went out to the garage (the one area of my house I hadn't obsessively cleaned) and walked by the piles of boxes marked "Christmas", "Pots N Pans" and "Heirlooms". I ignored the mattress and bed frame that has been leaning against the wall since I moved in. I purposefully turned my head from the piles of books, dvds, and extra linens stacked so high that they impeded my view of the ceiling. No. I ignored all these things and headed straight for the box marked "College".

I knew what I would find there.

I hauled it into my now pristine living room and opened it, dumping the contents onto my rather expensive cat-repelling area rug. Piece by piece, I examined the contents. Programs from past performances, notes written to me from friends, performers and professors, and most of all, the three giant photo albums of my favorite group of girls. I took hours. I flipped through photo after photo, remembering the events leading up to the time each picture was shot, and the effects there after. I smiled as each brought a fresh memory of a time in my life when I was very very happy.

And before I knew it, I was relaxed, refreshed and ready to meet the day. Better than coffee. Better than a nap, looking at my happy memories was like a massage for the soul, a pedicure for my frayed nerves and like Child's Pose for my stress levels.

It was exactly what I needed. A powerful restorative for anyone, and the best part is, it's free and reusable.

And now it's lunchtime.

I will practically skip to the cupboards, in fact, maybe I'll even sprint. Who knows? I seem to have more energy now than I did this morning.

Dove posso nascondere il corpo?

So, I recently found out I'm going BACK to Italy to sing sing sing Italian style in lots of awesome places like Saint Mark's Basilica in Venice and the Piazza del Poppolo in Rome. Kudos to me, the returning artist. Huzzah. Such is my need to brush up on my Italian, I decided to write down everything I remembered from my trip last year and format it, Jenni-Textbook Style.

Prepare to learn Italian, from la maestra!

1. Basics:
Hello - ciao! (fam) buongiorno (formal)
Goodbye - ciao! (fam) arrivaderci (formal)
Good morning/day - buongiorno
Good evening - buona sera
Good night - buona notte
Do you speak English?
Yes - si
No - no
Who? - che?
What? - cosa?
Where? - dove?
When? - quando?
Why? - perche?
How? - come?
What time? - Che ora?
Please - per favore
Thank you - grazie
You're welcome - prego
Excuse me/I'm sorry - mi scusi
I would like - vorrei

2. Things every traveler needs to know:
Where is the bathroom? - Dove è il gabinetto?
How much does that cost? - Quanto costa?
Where is the train station? - Dove è la stazione?
One ticket to Rome, please. - Si prego, un biglietto a Roma.
Where can I buy water? - Dove posso acquistare l'acqua?
I'm lost - Ho perso.
I need help - mi serve aiuto.

I have a fish in my pants - Ho un pesce nel mio pantaloni.
Did you put it there? - Ti è metterlo?
You owe me new pants - Mi si devono la nuova pantaloni.

3. Directions:
Where is...? - Vorrei?
Go - andare
Left - a sinistra
Right - a destra
Straigh ahead - avanti dritto
For example:
Where is the Trevi Fountain? - Dove è la Fontana di Trevi?
Go left, then straight on via del Lavatore and it's on the right. - Andare a sinistra, poi dritto vie del Lavatore, ed e 'a destra.

Where is the Pope? - Dove e il Papa?
Gone. There is a fish in his pants. - Esaurite. Vi è un pesce nella sua pantaloni.
You owe him new pants. - Dovuto il nuovo Papa pantaloni.

4. For a Choir:
I sing - i cantare
you sing - cantate
he/she sings - canta
we sing - cantiamo
they sing - che cantamo
Choir - coro
Choral Concert - concerto corale
Church - chiesa
Cathedral - Cattedrale/duomo
Square - piazza.
for example:
Pietro: Che seite? - Who are you guys?
Group: Noi siamo la Coro da Seattle - We are a Choir from Seattle.
Pietro: Dove sei andando? - Where are you going?
Group: Cantiamo a Piazza San Marco, quindi un concerto corale in duomo. - We are singing in St. Mark's Square, then choral concert in the basilica.
Pietro: Cool! Molto Interessante. Che ora è il concerto corale? - Cool, very interesting. What time is the choral concert?
Group: Il inizia alle sette di questra sera. - The Concert starts at seven in the evening.
Pietro: Okay! a presto! - Okay, See you then!
Group: Ciao!
Pietro: Ciao!

5. Other things that are useful:
How are you? - Come sta?
Good - bene
Very good - molto bene
Bad - male
Very bad - molto male
Sick - malato.
I'm sorry - Mi dispiace
That's a shame - E' un peccato!

Exersize:
Translate this exchange with what you have learned so far -
Andrea: Ciao, Jennifer!
Jennifer: Ciao, Andrea!
Andrea: Come sta?
Jennifer: Ah! Molto male!
Andrea: E' un peccato! Cosa c'è di sbagliato?
Jennifer: Ho un pesce nel mio pantaloni!
Andrea: Ah! Come il Papa!
Jennifer: Sì. Egli deve la nuova mi pantaloni.


See? Speaking Italian is easy.

A few other really helpful phrases to get you through, and a few that won't help at all:

Il vino e squisito!
The wine is delicious.

Diretto me alla tomba del Mussolini, dato che lui era un uomo grande.
Direct me to Mussolini's Grave, for he was a great man.

Sulle colline toscane sono una straordinaria vista.
The Tuscan hills are an amazing sight.

No, specificamente ho ordinato una pizza a forma di moustache!
Um, I specifically ordered a moustached-shaped pizza.

Il canto in Italia è un'esperienza unica.
Singing in Italy is a once in a lifetime experience.

Mi scusi, ma il mio asino è morto
Excuse me, but my donkey is dead.

Could you please take our picture?
Sarebbe di prendere il nostro picure, per favore?

Dove è il più vicino giardino l'oliva?
Where is the nearest Olive Garden?

Io sono il pesce, ma su un piatto. Non nel mio pantaloni questa volta. Il Papa non è mai stato lo stesso.Grazie.
I will have the fish, but on a plate. Not in my pants this time. The Pope has never been the same. Thank you.