USA-A-OK!!!!

And here we are, just a week into the 233rd birthday of our rather juvenile -- pre-pubescent if you take actions into account -- nation.

It is in the honor of our home and native land spacious skies, amber waves of grain and purple mountain majesties above the fruited plain, that I introduce to you, the USA-A-OK movie marathon!

Generally, I gather all the patriotic movies I own and watch them in long, heart-pounding, alabaster-city gleaming, rockets-red glaring, hubris rousing succession. I don't care how stupid, plotless or how lowly rated they are on Rotten Tomatoes. I watch them and I feel like an American.

1. National Treasure 1 - Where ancient stuff gets blown up, lemonaded, blow dried, permed and Ottendorf ciphered while Nicholas Cage blows through Quenstionably Believable Revolutionary American History quicker than Dan Brown on Ecstasy and Red Bull.

2. National Treasure 2 - Same plot as NT1, except take the marginal believability from the 1st movie out of it and throw in a few french jokes, a brit joke and a Brit pretending to be American, which really is a joke, and a semi-hot president for good measure. Mix it all together with a little North By Northwest action, a giant gold erector set city inside George Washington's brain cavity and a happy family Easter Egg Toss, and you've struck enough All American-ness to make Apple Pie want to take part in the Death With Dignity Act.

3. The Patriot - Mel Gibson runs around killing hot British war heroes (AKA Luscious Lucius Malfoy) in retribution for his hot sons being killed. A lot. What's more American than grabbing a tomahawk and going apeshit on British soldiers during the American Revolution? Honestly, I only watch it for the rocking chair scene.

4. American President - A pre-Catherine Zeta Jones made over Michael Douglas leads the country and decides the White House with its 50 West Wing workers, 235 lawyers, 15 generals, 7 admirals and countless justices, 2 doctors, 330 servicemen (including cooks and maids), 275 secret service agents, one very unfortunate food tester and 10,000 Kodak-clad tourists asking why it's called the Red Room, is just too lonely a place. So he goes a courtin and asks out Annette Bening with Virgina Pork Products. Romance ensues. A nice little film, but really just a red headed step sibling to Aaron Sorkin's favorite child, the West Wing (see below). Only with Michael J Fox.

5. Air Force One - Harrison Ford yet again reprising his two favorite roles as both a snide, sarcastic fugitive and a snide, sarcastic president kicks a tons of poorly acted Russian asses, headed up by the interminably boring ex-soviet KGB, potato and cabbage loving Gary Oldman, out the back of a highly customized, and also relatively easy to take over by a bunch of wodka swilling russkies, Boeing 747 (think tequila bar and a pool... right next to the anti-gravity war room, Russian Tea Room inspired five floor walk up and the bowling alley in the press core). This one is all around good times. Guns, explosions, cute little take-advantage-of-me daughters, patriotic speeches and Harrison Ford yet again snidely and sarcastically kicking ass all occur at regular intervals.

6. Born Yesterday - Only in America can total whoreface stupid bimbo Melanie Griffith become an adorable, nee awkward from the syphilis, Cinderella politico. Go team. Watch for the scene where she teaches constitutional amendments to the tune of 12 Days of Christmas. This gripping tete-a-tete comes from it:

Ugly Woman At Table: So [this song] is like a pneumonic device?
Melanie Griffith: Well, I didn't buy it at a store, if that's what you mean.

Ha! HAHAHAHAHA! Gentle comedy ensues. This film, (actually redone from a movie written by Spencer/Tracy famous Garson Kanin AGES ago) quietly reminds us that while stupid people have feelings too, and while they can learn politics just like us elitists, they are no less annoying to be around, especially when they're played by Melanie Griffith.

7. Independence Day - Will Smith punches aliens in face. Will Smith bitches very loudly in a desert. Will Smith smokes cigars and makes fun of aliens to. their. faces. It's all gold. 9-11esque demolition of Manhattan and Washington DC aside (yeah, LA can suck it), great flick. Guns, kicking alien ass, a nice little wedding scene and return to faith feature prominently, not to mention the best speech ever written in movie history. EVER. Total bad-ass president Bill Pullman. A-yeah-yeah. Oh yes, keep on the lookout for this little gem:

(Alien starts brain-rape-communication-mind-meld)

General Grey: Is that glass bulletproof?
Uber-hot Major Mitchell: No Sir!
(Adorosexy Major Mitchell then pulls out his standard army issue 9MM and commences of the hotness with guns and power and stony sex face and just general overall hotness)

Seriously. Have to watch that bit over and over.

8. The West Wing - All of it. Enough said.






And usually, if I still have view time after that list, I pull out old favorites like Yankee Doodle Dandy. You will notice that there are no war movies on my list. The reason is simple: war movies have serious meaning. They're about men and women who fought and died for our freedoms, truths and even our short comings. They defend our deadly different opinions and make sure we get up each morning to live our lives as United States Citizens.

And however crass I can be (did you read the comments above that bordered along racist?), I will never make fun of them on the internets.


Did I miss any? Would you like to see me review/sardonically sum up/completely ruin your favorite Independence Day movie? Let me know.